Impoverished, Liz Jones ?

Would you mind awfully if I blogged about you, Liz Jones? I just read your article ‘Can Liz Jones survive on benefits?’  and figure that, with what you could reasonably save, I could fix the immersion heater, pay off my Halifax overdraft, get the 16 ft hedge cut down to size, a new frying pan, a good xmas pressie for my best mate, pay BT phone bill, new printer cartridges, and a bottle of ceramic hob cleaner. Not to mention a trip to see my new best friend Lizzie, traveling First Class.  These are all the things that an unemployed person cannot budget for, the details that so escaped you when you tried the meager lifestyle for a week.

But even that is barely HALF what I could save you in the first month – £1000 – using only the details from the above article. You would feel loved, Lizzie: let me do it!

I have the Nobel Prize for Resourcefulness.
I made my redundancy payout last 15 years during which time I home educated for 5 and got me a Masters degree in Computing.  What I do is called gap analysis – I am very good at highlighting gaps and finding solutions.  I have been quietly and successfully applying the same thinking to finances – and the results are downright amazing.

The good news, Lizzie, is you get to keep the BMW, the Sky Box Office, and your mobile phone – although you haven’t said how much the phone costs you and I bet it’s more than mine.  A car, mobile phone and internet access are key essentials when looking for work and the last things an unemployed person wants to give up, but the first things you thought should go.  You said your broadband costs £100 a month – it doesn’t, it comes bundled with Sky at £58.  Your box office films are costing over £40 a month, which is good value if it keeps you entertained.

I also can’t do anything about you having the central heating permanently on high. Toasting the planet is a lifestyle choice and one totally resistant to change – just ask my daughter.  If you ever make savings on your heating you can gloat as much as you like, and that goes for the rest of you reading this, too.

Still, I buy organic milk so I am not as impoverished as you might think.  Several years ago I made a commitment to buy one organic thing every week and since then the ranges have blossomed.  Organic milk now carries a 9p premium for 2 pints:  a tiny price to pay for a lifestyle choice.

But … £800 monthly for a grooming routine!  How do you do it, Lizzie ?

Surely there are major savings to be had here.  Why, when you are paying £200 a month for hair, does your hair look no better than mine?  (And even more dry, on occasion.)

Why traipse all the way to London to mess around with wax when you could epilate at home ?  (Nobody believes that you shaved your legs, btw.)

And I don’t know how you spend £200 in Space NK, but I would be delighted to get by on £30 a month which would include a Hermes deodorant, glycerin soaps and a Tisserand essential oil.  Do your Space NK goodies feel as good ?

Wine ….  Really, are you such a wine snob, Lizzie?  Do you, on desperate days, think of placing an order for six bottles of wine ‘Anything over £25 a bottle, provided it has NEVER been on Special Offer’ ?  Or is buying six bottles and thereby claiming a discount also an anathema?  A week’s supply cost us less than £40.  We could have gone up market, but the overall effect would have been the same.  Try a Chilean red; and chill, for goodness’ sake.

So here is your plan of action-

  • Reinstate your order with Riverford Organics as a priority.
  • Buy a thermos flask and fill with your fabulous Illy coffee, ready to drink.
  • Don dark (designer, obviously) shades and pop into Poundland for shampoo, conditioner and shower gel – the savings on these 3 products more than pay for Riverford, but hide the bag.
  • Nip into Boots the Chemist and treat yourself to a top-of-the-range epilator (£60) and a bottle of Rosemary essential oil.   The epilator is a one-off purchase – you only buy it once – but even if you bought a fresh one every other month you would still save loads.
  • Lastly, wander into The Body Shop for their glycerin soaps and some me-time with an assistant.  It’s not Space NK, it’s nicer.
  • The location of all these shops – Poundland, Boots, The Body Shop – can be found using www.yell.com

If you can manage to complete the above challenge, you will save enough to pay for several Riverside Organics boxes and have so much cash left over you won’t know what to do with it.  That’s when you pop over to see me and we discuss what comes next.

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~ by tgroom57 on November 27, 2009.

One Response to “Impoverished, Liz Jones ?”

  1. You Madam are a sensation. Loved reading every word!! Bravo! 🙂

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